How to Navigate Jealousy During Infertility: A Fertility Counsellor's Guide

By Gemma Antcliffe, Fertility Counsellor

Guest Blog:

Fertility counsellor Gemma Antcliffe explores how to recognise, understand, and gently move through jealousy on the fertility journey.

How to Navigate Jealousy During Infertility: A Fertility Counsellor's Guide

When you're struggling with infertility, jealousy and the guilt which is often attached can feel like a difficult emotion to deal with. That burning sensation in your chest when you see yet another pregnancy announcement. The way your heart sinks when a friend complains about morning sickness. The overwhelming urge to flee from baby showers and family gatherings.

If you've experienced these feelings, please be reassured; you're not broken, and you're certainly not alone.

The Hidden Shame of Fertility Jealousy

As a fertility counsellor who has walked this path myself, I've learned that jealousy during infertility isn't about being a bad person. It’s actually about being human. Yet so many on this difficult path carry deep shame about these feelings. They believe they should be able to "just be happy" for others while their own dreams remain unfulfilled.

The truth is, infertility creates the perfect storm for jealousy to emerge.

You're navigating monthly cycles of hope and disappointment, medical appointments, difficult decisions, and often physical discomfort. And all whilst the world around you is effortlessly achieving what you want most – or so it seems.

How We Learn to Handle Our Emotions: A Childhood Foundation

Let me share a story that helped me understand how we develop our relationship with difficult emotions like jealousy.

When I was a child, my sister was chosen to participate in our school's harvest festival, while I was overlooked. I remember feeling a burning sensation in my chest which was a mix of sadness and anger.

What did she have that I didn't? Why wasn't I good enough?

I ended up saying something unkind to her, something designed to take away from her joy because I couldn't bear not being included. I was promptly told off by my teacher and then later at home. Then came the shame. I felt terrible for not being supportive, for letting those "ugly" feelings show.

Here's what no one helped me understand at the time; no feeling is inherently bad. Emotions are simply sources of information.

My jealousy was telling me something important about feeling excluded and wanting to belong. But instead of being guided to explore what this emotion meant, I learned that jealousy was something shameful to hide.

If an adult had helped me step back and explore the situation without judgment, I might have discovered the truth. It had nothing to do with me being personally rejected. My sister was chosen simply because she was the youngest in the school at the time. The decision had nothing to do with how "good" she was or how "bad" I was; it was simply based on a birthday.

Years later, during my fertility journey, I experienced that same burning feeling when close friends announced their pregnancies. And then came the same shame. Why couldn't I just be happy for them? What kind of person feels this way?

This is how childhood shapes our emotional blueprint. The messages we receive about feelings in our early years often dictate how well we can tolerate them in adult life. If we learned that certain emotions make us "bad" people, we'll struggle even more when they inevitably arise during challenging times like our fertility journey.

Yet when we understand that all emotions carry information, not judgment, we can begin to approach them with curiosity rather than shame.

When Friendship Meets Fertility: My Story with Ella

Ella and I had always walked the same path. We met at university, chose the same degree, achieved the same grade, and stepped into adulthood side by side. Even our weddings were a mere twelve months apart, our lives moving in perfect synchrony.

And then, they didn't.

Within fourteen months, Ella had two babies. In that same space of time, we had struggled to conceive, experienced two pregnancy losses and I found myself waiting for IVF.

By the time Ella's second baby arrived, I was drowning in grief. I knew I should visit, smile, and say the right things. But I could barely acknowledge him. It wasn't his fault, and it certainly wasn't Ella's. But my body, my mind, my heart, all of it, was so wrapped in loss that I couldn't stretch beyond it.

It’s painful to remember this part of my life because it's so far removed from who I normally am. I pride myself on being kind and supportive, but in that moment, I was someone else entirely. It was jealousy. I was sadness. I was anger at the injustice of it all.

Beneath it all, I also carried guilt. Guilt for not being stronger, for not finding a way to push past my heartbreak. But now, looking back, I see I was in the grips of the raw, brutal reality of infertility and loss. And no amount of love for my friend could have changed that.

Understanding the Double Burden

One of the cruellest aspects of jealousy during infertility is what I call the "double burden". You feel jealous, and then you feel guilty about feeling jealous. This creates an exhausting emotional cycle:

• "I should be happy for them" (putting others' joy before your own pain)

• "I'm a terrible person for feeling this way" (attacking your character for a normal emotion)

• "Everyone else can handle this better than me" (isolating yourself in your experience)

Yet it’s a universal truth that the more we try to suppress an emotion, the stronger they become. When you tell yourself "I shouldn't feel jealous," you're actually giving that emotion more power.

Reframing Jealousy as Information

Instead of fighting against jealousy, what if we listened to its message?

At its core, jealousy during infertility isn't about wishing others didn't have their joy, it's about wishing you could experience that same joy too.

Jealousy is often misunderstood as a character flaw, when really it's a signal about something you deeply value. The pain points to what matters most to you; your deep desire for a baby.

Practical Strategies for Managing Fertility Jealousy

Before Triggering Situations

• Set clear boundaries: It's okay to decline baby shower invitations or limit time at triggering events

• Create pre-planned responses: "I'm so happy for you. I hope you'll understand that I might need some space to process my own journey"

• Develop a social media strategy: Consider unfollowing (not unfriending) people whose updates trigger you, or schedule specific times to check updates

During Difficult Moments

• Try box breathing: Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4 – and repeat.

• Use permission statements: "It's okay to feel two things at once; happy for them and sad for me"

• Have excuse phrases ready: "Please excuse me for a moment" when you need space

After Processing Jealous Feelings

• Journal with prompts: "What specifically triggered me? What old wound does this connect to?"

• Practice self-compassion: Write a letter to yourself from the perspective of a loving friend

• Allow physical release: Walk, cry, or move the emotion through your body

Moving Forward with Compassion

Time has softened the edges of my own fertility jealousy, but I will never forget how it felt to be in that space. I now extend compassion to the version of me who was hurting and struggling to cope.

If you're reading this while experiencing your own fertility jealousy, please be gentle with yourself. Feeling jealous doesn't make you a bad person. It just means you are a human navigating your way through a difficult experience. Your fertility journey includes all emotions, even the difficult ones.

Gemma Antcliffe is a fertility counsellor with 15 years of experience supporting women through their fertility journeys. Having navigated her own IVF experience, she combines professional expertise with lived understanding to help clients reclaim their confidence and emotional balance. Connect with Gemma at www.gemmaantcliffe-counselling.co.uk or follow @the_ivf_counsellor on Instagram.